i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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