I need to stop coming to work sober
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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