I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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