I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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