i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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