I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
