She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
