I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
