Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
