i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
