Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
