my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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