It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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