I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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