I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
