you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
