I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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