the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
