so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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