put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
