If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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