I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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