Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
