so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
