His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I want is dick and wine.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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