No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
