I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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