She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
