I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
