she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
