Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
