I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
