OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
