Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
