Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My vagina just recognized that song.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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