How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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