So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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