If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
