He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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