I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
