god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
