brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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