Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
