sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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