i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
