Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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