in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
