My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
