you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
