how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
